A Servant’s Heart
In this life, I have been blessed with a servant’s heart and an autistic mind.
I have questioned many things in this world but never my purpose. I exist to serve.
For this season, I believe my purpose is to serve a community of like-minded individuals, and more specifically, autistic-minded individuals, the people they love and the people who love them.
I can survive the challenges of my autism and the rejection that sometimes comes with it. I can survive the isolation that sometimes comes with the need to have time to process the information I consciously consider. I can survive the hard things I have faced in life because I chose to allow wrong people to get close to me (no doubt because I missed some social cues along the way.) I can survive having to teach myself because I don’t understand what others teach me. I can survive the difficulty I have reading with any comprehension.
I can survive all of that, all of the hard stuff, but I cannot survive if I am not serving.
An Autistic Mind
You will see as my autism blog evolves that my servant’s heart works closely in conjunction with my autistic mind. I have a mind built specifically to develop systems and processes that help others. Previously, I served in the context of working with people by developing the programs that guide their activities or employment. Thus, this blog is the first time I have felt compelled to learn this type of system to serve a community.
I do not intend to fix anyone, I do not intend to correct anyone, and I do not intend to judge anyone.
Much of what you will read in this blog I have never shared with anyone. When I say that, I mean it. I have never shared my journey, my struggles, my thoughts and feelings with anyone. Yet, I am about to share with you. I am about as private as private can be. I talk about lots of things – my kids, upcoming events, fads, politics – but, until recently, I didn’t even realize that I don’t talk about myself. I don’t share the vast, vast majority of my thoughts, emotions, struggles, passions, failures or successes. With anyone.
My mind is a busy place. When I am awake, I am thinking. When I am asleep, I am thinking. I have no break from my autism. There is no pill that slows it down, no switch that shuts it off. It feels overwhelming to try to open up and talk about all that I am processing.
How do you know which thought or emotion to share? Who wants to know my struggles and passions? Which failures and successes do people really care to hear about?
My Gift to You
It takes tremendous effort to convert my pictures, graphs, and networks into the more linear conversational style of the world. For me to open up and share anything, I truly have to feel that the purpose behind the effort is worth it.
You are worth it.
Your family is worth it.
Your friends are worth it.
Watching children and families struggle the way that I have, the way that my family has, and knowing that sharing my experiences may be of benefit to someone is, to me, worth that effort. And so, you will be learning about me right along with people who raised me, people who have known me for years, and people I have raised.
Please know that I will not share information without the permission of those affected by it, nor will I share information that may hurt others. I will make every effort to be open and transparent, but I will not share what is not mine to share.
So I give myself to you. I give you my heart, my mind, and my story.
My regret is that it is the least that you need, but the best I have to give.